If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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