he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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