dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
