I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dicks are not precious.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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