my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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