I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
