Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
