I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
