If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize