walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
