He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
