I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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