Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I think I just sharted jello shots
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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