it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How external is "for external use only"?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
