Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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