All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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