i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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