The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
