Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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