Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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