He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
