Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
