please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
