Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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