I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize