I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
