New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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