wrigley field is MILF paradise
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize