hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
