Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
