Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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