The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
