Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
