She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
