Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
