we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
