Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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