Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
