guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
