i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
you never un-have a 4some
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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