can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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