And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
