I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize