she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
