I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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