you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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