I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
