My first STD was from a foam party
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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