I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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