The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
