pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
