just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize