I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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