OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
